The Best Fake Climbing News 2016

2016 will go down as the year that bullshit reigned, spin was spun, and America went Full Retard (well, at least 46 percent retard).

Am I mad?

Yes … yes, I am. I feel an angry four-year bender coming on, and to hell with the hangover! You’re either with me or against me because I know the Truth, and you are a Fool.

2016 was also the year that Nalle Hukkataival established the world’s first V17. Ashima Shiraishi became the first female to climb a V15 (two of them, actually). And Adam Ondra achieved one-third of his goals in Yosemite.

Or was it?

Did any of these so-called impressive climbing events actually happen? Can these world records even be verified in the archive of microfiche?

Or … are all climbing stories just elusive, inconsequential, real-life Snapchats—born within our collective mind’s eye only to vanish in a meaningless flash?

Reality has never seen such rapid decay, if constant manipulation within the hands of Our New Masters. The Truth is a sun-baked ice climb, and we are The Doomed—30 feet run out, fruitlessly stabbing ice screws into the disintegrating mush.

Here, in the only year-end compilation of bullshit that you should even bother reading, are the best fake climbing news stories of 2016—whether they happened or not is Irrelevant, as far as the likes of you are concerned. The only thing I give a damn about is that you share this shit on Facebook. Only through a constant stream of insular online affirmation may any of us find salvation. God speed, and as the bookworms at Alpinist say, only the damned survive!


What Really Happened on the Dawn Wall

Adam Ondra had the audacity to show up to Yosemite with no trad-climbing experience whatsoever. And yet, he still did it.

He took a shit on the Dawn Wall.

“Oh, yeah, he just shit all over that thing,” says Tommy Caldwell, who completed the historic first free ascent of the Dawn Wall, El Cap’s hardest free climb, with Kevin Jorgeson in 2015. “It’ll be a long time before anyone else climbs that route again, mostly because it’s now just completely covered in Adam Ondra’s doo-doo.”

Indeed, a plumb line of poo, as proud and brown as any Comicci-esque directissima, runs like a 3,000-foot skid mark down The Wall of Early Morning Light. Rangers, however, are hopeful that a big winter will flush the wall clean by next spring.

Still, because it happened, because Adam Ondra completely turded on the Dawn Wall, climbers around the world are left scratching their heads, if not also holding their noses.


Shouldn’t Ondra have first learned how to jug ropes in the gym, where anyone with 5.11 crimp strength and 5.8 footwork knows is the proper and approved place to practice jugging ropes?

Shouldn’t he have mock led more routes on the Swan Slab before hopping onto the Big Stone?

Shouldn’t he have not taken a shit on the Dawn Wall?

“I don’t know … I guess I’d like to try to shit on every route in the world,” says Ondra, humbly, who suggested that the Dawn Wall’s name be changed to the “Dung Wall,” and that the grade be readjusted to 5.Turdteen.

His plans for 2017?

“Piss on the Salathé.”


New Study: Micro-aggressions Linked to Micro-penises

The climbing gym craze has swept the nation, with new facilities sprouting up in every urban corner of the U.S.

Yet, according to at least one thorough investigative report obtained via Twitter poll, climbing gyms appear to be nothing more than sex-crazed frat houses masquerading as exercise facilities. Here, young women in standard workout attires such as low-cut sports bras and “booty shorts” showing more thigh than a grain-fed Thanksgiving turkey are lured into climbing gyms under the premise that they are great places to get in a full-body workout alongside likeminded folks.

Turns out, the reality is anything but.

“I was just minding my own beeswax, sessioning on the blue V4, and this dude-bro comes out of nowhere and tells me I should be matching on the sloper instead of crossing through,” says a visibly frustrated, if somewhat chilly-looking, Annie, a 19-year-old sophomore who has been climbing for one year. “Every women’s study course I’ve taken at college tells us that this kind of behavior is unacceptable.”

Indeed, unsolicited beta is just one of the many “micro-aggressions” detracting from the social dynamic in today’s climbing gyms. Micro-Aggressions are any types of recurrent behavior that one group of people deem to be a nuisance, albeit a mild one. In climbing gyms, men, and/or persons who self-identify as male gendered, are typically accused of committing micro-aggressions upon women—though women quickly qualify these allegations by admitting that most men that they know are supportive and friendly, and not all guys are like this.

Belay Gif 5

Typical micro-aggressions include, but are not limited to: unsolicited beta, staring, drooling, mouth-breathing, saying “Hey” without a formal (written) introduction, climbing in close proximity to strangers of the opposite sex, asking to “borrow” some chalk, spotting, grunting for no reason, and making eye contact.

A surprising new study, though, finds a strong correlation between the likelihood of micro-aggressions and the incidence of micro-penis, a condition whereby the erect penile length is at least 2.5 standard deviations smaller than the mean human penis size, perhaps leading those afflicted to overcompensate through over-the-top acts of douchebaggery.

“Being a douchebag in the gym is all just a distraction so that nobody notices what’s missing when I’m wearing my harness,” admits “John,” whose micro-penis measures in at 1 3/4 inches. “I don’t know why I do what I do … I just can’t help myself from being a little bit of a dick when I go climbing.”

Elsewhere, climbers are beginning to report incidents of macro-aggressions, which include watching someone free-solo your project. Experts agree these reports may point to an acute rise in “Honnolditis,” otherwise known as “macro-balls.”


Olympic Format to Include Offwidth

In a bid to expand their inclusiveness and attract new, young viewers, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) has announced a new event for the upcoming 2020 Tokyo Games: Offwidth.

According to insiders, the addition of the Offwidth event was made to quell widespread criticism of the IOC and the IFSC for the “combined” format that included, to most climbers’ vocal objections, speed climbing.

“You don’t like speed climbing? Fucking fine!” Thomas Bach, IOC president, reportedly shouted behind closed doors. “Make ‘em climb an offwidth, see if I give a flying fuck! No one is gonna watch this shit anyway.”

The Offwidth event was immediately heralded by some climbers as a great way to showcase a “danger” element of rock climbing.

“Offwidthing is sure to enthrall, titillate and frighten a global audience that tunes in for the three-hour slug fest as climbers race each other to the top of their own 50-foot-tall cracks,” read the IOC press release.

This is because all offwidths are universally given “R” ratings, despite the fact most climbers lead offwidths while walking cams over their heads, effectively top-roping the route, not to mention happily clipping myriad bolts that, for some reason, have been added to the crack.

“R-rated climbing is now in the Olympics,” says Sean McColl, who has already started training for full-body campus moves within offwidths by doing the “The Worm” dance and the butterfly stroke. “Guess I better holler at the Wide Boyz, eh?”

  • Nic Crumley

    Love the article! Absolutely hilarious. I only wish you hadn’t used the word “retard” at the beginning, a term that is offensive to many people in, or associated with, the disabilities community.

    • Yeah, I received a rash of shit about that on Reddit. It is deeply offensive, and I wouldn’t have used it if it weren’t a reference to a movie, which I happened to find particularly funny

  • calder

    Seemed like a micro-aggression, dude.