Monday morning quarterbacking is a time-honored tradition in comp climbing. A lot of people today may not remember this but, years ago, comp climbing was very much up for public comment. All aspects of early comps were subject to criticism from the chattering masses, from the format itself to who the commentators are and what they say, down to what the climbers themselves were “allowed” to wear (e.g., I remember a solid month of discourse just around Lauren Lee’s skirt).

Even crazier? It worked. Someone would start a forum thread such as, “Zone holds are stupid!” And by next week there’d be no zone holds. Or someone might write, “Ivan Greene is such a douche!” And by next week Obe Carrion would be on the mic instead.

The only thing not up for debate was whether Daniel Woods or Alex Puccio were going to win. They always did.

For some, seeing climbing in the Olympics is like seeing your nephew, who you still remember as an ADHD-addled hot-mess of a child, now standing before you as a strapping young man sporting a well-coifed mane of hair, having just graduated from a prestigious university with summer plans to intern for Goldman-Sachs. You barely recognize this little Skittles-eating maniac.

We watched the Olympics Games on Peacock last week, and I must say that I loved it. Climbing competition is a “real” sport in a way that break dancing or skateboarding so obviously aren’t. Climbing has matured and arrived, and it was a great Games to arrive at: the first one to reach gender parity across all sports, as well as the first one to feature a menage a trois in the opening ceremony (coincidence? I think not).

But as great as the climbing Olympics were, of course—me, being me: an opinion-haver; a taker of hot takes; a fat online loser for whom post hoc criticisms are at least as much fun as watching the comps themselves—I have a few thoughts on how to make them better. Without more ado:

Use a bowline

Watching the Olympics reminded me of one of the best decisions I’ve ever made in my climbing career: to tie in with a bowline rather than a figure 8. I’ve saved hours of my life by using a bowline, hours that would otherwise have been spent untying a figure 8.

Unfortunately, some of those hours were taken away from me as I watched every climber spend about as much time trying to untie their welded knots as they did climbing the wall. I suspect that the lead portion of the Olympics could be twice as fast simply by letting athletes use a bowline instead.

Climbing Caddies: AKA, Bring Your Own Belayer (BYOB)

Let me get this straight. You work and train your whole life as a professional comp climber only to show up in Paris and find yourself forced to be belayed by some rando French person with an ATC? Unacceptable. First of all, this is France. A French climber without a Grigri is like an American without a gun. They should be viewed with extreme skepticism and disdain.

Some of these poor climbers got short-roped by the sanctioned belayers, too. Would certain climbers have done better had they not been hosed by these rando rope handlers? Maybe … maybe not. But like the kids say, it’s not a good look.

By the way, I think all pro climbers should have their own professional belayers, the way pro golfers have caddies. Not just for competitions, but everywhere else, too. Sport routes. Gym training. Creek laps. Everywhere.

And when they’re not belaying, these climbing caddies are doing other useful things, like carrying pads and brushing holds. Remember that walrus-looking motherfucker who used to be Tiger Woods’ caddy? He kind of garnered his own celebrity status, and maybe got some low-level sponsorship opportunities out of being in close proximity to Tiger.

It’s about time that really, really good belayers—the best belayers in the world—get recognized for contributing to the success of our sport’s greatest stars. Climbing hasn’t had a good professional belayer since Dave Yerian, but our sport needs to start highlighting these personas, and giving them opportunities to be sponsored, too. “When I’m not belaying Margo Hayes, I drink Athletic Greens and sit on a Hello Tushy,” etc.

More Medals

Last Olympics, we got one medal and were told to be happy about it. (No one was happy about it.) This Olympics, we got two medals and were expected to be happy about it.

But once again, no one is happy about it!

What people want, it seems, is for there to be four medals: speed, lead, bouldering, and combined (lead + bouldering). This makes a lot of sense, though I think if lead and bouldering get their own medals, then combined should go back to being all three: speed, lead, and bouldering.

But I say, why stop there? There are 37 different medal-contested events in swimming, but as far as I am concerned, they’re all the same goddamn thing, which is why the same goddamn person always wins them all. There is no reason I can see why climbing doesn’t have at least 37 different medals as well. In fact, I won’t stop complaining until it does!

I think there should be medals for crack climbing, too: a medal for every size crack in increments of one inch. The butterfly stroke equivalent of crack climbing, of course, is off-width. Can you imagine an event where one climber takes 45 minutes to struggle up a 45-foot off-width? Imagine the close-up shots of these climbers’ sweaty faces contorting in agony and pain for hours at a time as they inch their ways up a crack. Gold! And it would give climbing the unique designation of having both the fastest, and slowest, event in the Olympics, further cementing our sports complete domination of the Olympics.

Get rid of bouldering tricks

I’m sick of seeing parkour problems, coordination problems, and slab problems. They had their moment, but they’re starting to feel kinda played out. Can we go back to sticking 4mm edges and bad pinches on a 45-degree wall, please? Tricks are for kids. Make climbing hard again!

Make it sexier

I don’t get it. Every climbing gym I go to is filled with hot women in booty shorts and sexy shirtless bros with abs for days, but our Olympic athletes are forced to dress in Umbros like they’re playing ultimate frisbee for a church fundraiser?

The official comp climbing uniform should simply be a beanie, and wearing it is optional. You don’t have to wear a shirt. And the only rule should be that your shorts must be at least two inches above your leg loops.

I’ve seen a million listicles about the sexiest athletes at the Olympics, and climbing has yet to make any of them. But climbers have some of the hottest bodies around. This is a tragedy. Let the world see our hot, veiny forearms, our thigh-flesh being squeezed between our leg loops and booty shorts, our chiseled prison abs. Make the world swoon for climbing.