Emboldened by the return of Dear Leader, who rose from the smoldering ashes of pronoun sign-offs and fascist diversity trainings, Republicans have charged into this congressional session with their tongues hanging out of their lizard mouths. After all, freedom isn’t free—and neither is that juicy tax break they want to give to their billionaire friends and corporate lobbyists. Fortunately, Congress has come up with a brilliant solution: selling off our public lands.
This kind of short-term thinking is par for the course for a generation of political leaders whose dying last gasps of power seem to be razing every liberal norm and institution down to the ground, because simply kicking over the ladder of opportunity that they themselves climbed apparently wasn’t enough. Collaborating with people around the world to solve existential problems is for fucking pussies. Finally, we’re being led by a group of stable geniuses who aren’t afraid to call it like it is. Only woke losers think not getting enough daddy-love as a kid is bad. How else do you become a Great Man of History unless there’s an emotional void that you futilely spend your entire life trying to fill through sociopathic behavior?
Yes, the crags we love will be sacrificed to make sure the ultra-wealthy can buy another mega-yacht. But it’s fine. Actually, it’s great. Because now our climbing areas can be privatized, branded, and optimized for synergy. Isn’t late-stage capitalism inspiring?
But now is no time to just throw your hands up in the air. We climbers deserve to have a say in which evil empires get to control our crags.
Here are my votes for how to make the best of the worst. Because apparently, that’s about as good as any of us can ever expect it to get.
Indian Creek + Exxon-Mobile
Forget “crack climbing.” Welcome to “frack climbing.”
OK, the pastoral vista of Creek Pasture may be replaced by an endless sea of oil rigs plundering the earth, but I, for one, am happy to learn that in exchange for letting all of Canyonlands become one giant fossil-fuel excavation site, Exxon-Mobile has vowed to use its fracking tools to create new cracks in between all of the pre-existing natural cracks at the Creek.
These “fracks” will better than what’s there, and essentially double the amount of crack climbing available to us by the end of the year. And let’s face it, now that climbing is so crowded, we need those cracks—er, I mean, fracks—as cam-wielding college students get deported from their campuses and have nowhere else to go.
Just make sure you stop by the Exxon-Mobile Climbing Booth to say hi to your new rangers. Grab a free coffee and a bottle of petroleum-based cam lube.
Castle Valley + Tesla
Look, I get it. Driving a Tesla and running your work-from-anywhere gig off of a Starlink was once cool. It’s not your fault that the owner turned out to be one of the biggest Nazi pieces of shit of all time. It’s gotta be rugged hearing people calling your rig a “swasticar.”
You didn’t ask for this. I get it. But you know what? No one asked for any of this! So you know what we all get now?
Castleton Tower is Elon’s castle, and he sits up on the summit looking at Mars with a telescope. It’s also been renamed X, and you can’t climb it without a proper Neuralink integration.
Red River Gorge + Red Bull
When your product not only tastes like shit but also literally caused one of my friends, a fellow writer in the snow-sports world, to lose his hair and have worrisome heart palpitations, your only hope for selling your product is demonically good marketing. And what could be better marketing than purchasing and rebranding the largest climbing area in the country?
Welcome to the Red Bull Gorge. On season opener, every climber gets their own Red Bull-branded climbing helmets so you, too, can look like your favorite sell-out while chuffing your way up Chain Saw Massacre.
The marketing gurus behind the can that gives you wings have also signaled that the new Red Bull Gorge—centrally located near ground zero of America’s opioid epidemic—also presents an opportunity to expand its product line. Introducing Red Bull Meth-lite. This new energy drink not only contains all natural Yerba mate and rhino semen, making it a health alternative to smoking rocks, it’s also a great performance enhancer for climbers. Turns out you don’t even notice that you’re pumped when your heart is edging a few beats-per-minute away from death.
Yosemite + Meta
Yosemite National Park will henceforth be rebranded as the Metaverse Engagement Experience. As you drive into this historic and beautiful natural wonder, you’ll be greeted at Tunnel View by a 60-foot hologram of Mark Zuckerberg in a Patagonia vest, gently whispering, “Welcome, user.” Continue down the winding road into the majestic Valley and rub your eyes in astonishment as you see what was formerly called El Capitan but is now simply called El Gorithm. Lay down in the meadow with your Meta Quest Pro googles on, and enjoy watching augmented reality depictions of climbing from years past. It’s only $80/night to secure a spot in Camp 4, if you’re signed up for the Basic Plan. Want to pee? Bathroom access starts at “Premium Explorer Tier.” Want to climb El Cap? That’s “Creator Plus Ultra.” Unless you’re verified. Then it’s free with ads.
Devil’s Tower + Chick-fil-A
Closed Sundays. Enough said.
The Enormodome (https://www.mountainproject.com/area/122800250/the-enormodome) brought to you by the Enormocast, where all routes are references to better routes at Rifle, Indian Creek, or the Black.
What crag would the runout sponsor? I assume everything there would be 5.14.