Damn It Feels Good to be a Local

Can you believe this shit? There were 50 cars at MY local spot this week! (I mean, I was one of them …) But, nevertheless … This is outrageous!

People, we all need to do our part to flatten the curve—and that means staying the fuck away from areas where I, a Local, climb. These days, I really ought to be able to go to my local area without seeing anyone except, perhaps, all my fellow locals who almost certainly don’t have coronavirus. I’m talking to you city people. Stay away the fuck away from our rocks!

Here’s a flow chart in case this isn’t fucking clear to you!

Look, I’m doing my part by climbing in areas where no one else goes. Or, at least, no one else should be going. Unless you’re a local, that is.

Locals have shown themselves to be especially resilient to covid-19. Our curve is hella flat. Scientists might want to start figuring out how to sequence locals’ DNA in order to engineer a propa vax. WU-TANG.

Every time I go out to my local spot, there are, like, 30 spring break Jakes spreading covid all over the warmups. These chuckleheads are coming to my zone and acting like they’re not asymptomatic. Hell no. They’re not locals!

Consider what would happen if you needed a rescue. Our small-town rural hospitals can’t handle the influx of non-locals. No offense. It’s not just that we can’t handle your presence at our crags at this current moment. It’s also that we don’t want you at our crags in general. After all, we’re locals and you’re not.

When we locals climb, we never put the rope in our mouths to clip. We also use liquid chalk that’s made from bleach. And we barely have to drive more than an hour or three to reach our “local” crags.

So, please. Listen to this local, who is begging you to stay the fuck home right now. Climbing just isn’t the most important thing right now … especially for you.

Now, where’s my liquid chalk?

About The Author

Andrew Bisharat

Andrew Bisharat is a writer and climber based in western Colorado. He is the publisher of Evening Sends and the co-host of The RunOut podcast.

Free Climb. Free Thought.

Join the climbing discourse.

Comments

4 Comments

  1. Avatar

    It’s good to know in trying times like these that there is someone out there brave enough to speak to the injustice of non-locals going near my boulders and crags.

    Thanks for the hard hitting journalism!

    Reply
  2. Avatar

    lol

    Reply
  3. Avatar

    The problem is that your projects are my warm-ups. It must be hard to suck so bad at climbing.

    Reply
  4. Avatar

    Damn, I think they canceled the wrong Mag! Why don’t you try supporting the community for a change rather than being a cynical asshole.

    Reply

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