A Better World

By AB On March 20, 2012 · 4 Comments

It’s the first day of spring, and I’m in a good mood. Birds are chirping outside my window. The aroma of thawing dog turds is wafting through the morning air. If you could put your ear up to my head, you’d hear the faint and soft melody of Michael Jackson singing, “Heal the world, make it a better place, for you and for me and the entire human race” echoing inside the empty chamber that is my skull.

Because that’s what spring is all about: new beginnings. New ideas. Fresh starts. Pruning dead wood and allowing something bright to grow. The first rock climbing season of the year kicks off now, and as we head into what will surely be another mind-blowing year of amazing climbing feats (5.15d anyone?), I’d like to propose some ideas for how to make the world of climbing an even better place.

Zippers that work: It’s amazing how much innovation and effort goes into creating these ultra-high tech, super-technical fabrics that protect you from the wrath of the weather gods and dissipate your sweat to the heavens, yet the $500 final product still doesn’t do the most basic operation: zip up properly. Zippers that catch on the fabric. Zippers that blow apart in the middle of the zipper. Zippers that unzip from the wrong end. Zippers that just flat out break. The zipper has to be the most glaringly crude and primitive product in the gear world. I propose we use magnets instead.They’ll never break and seal up tight. That said, maybe this is an idea that sounds better than it actually is—the same way “Greenland” and “buttermilk” sound better than they actually are. You’d be screwed if you had a pacemaker or a metal breast plate, and if you ever went to the North Pole, your clothes would fly off.

Stuff sacks that actually fit the thing(s) you stuff into them: Nothing makes me crazier than trying to pack up a tent or sleeping bag into a stuff sack that is exactly the size of the compressed bag or tent. It’s like trying to put toothpaste back in the tube—and for the record, yes, I do think you should be able to put extra toothpaste back because I hate wasting toothpaste. Same with rope bags that you need to wrestle like a wild boar in order to pack away your rope. Can’t you just make it a little, tiny bit bigger? Gawd!

Ashima Shiraishi on Martini Right. Photo: Julien Jarry

Give Ashima full credit for Martini Right: Let me get this straight. A 9-year-old girl crushes a V12 using footholds and non-holds for hand-holds because she’s too tiny to do it the “normal” (i.e., full-grown-male) way, and because her foot swings out and dabs against a tree branch, the climbing community puts an asterisk next to her ascent and says she can’t take full credit? Shame on everyone. If this isn’t an example of bouldering “rules” going way too far and getting way, way too serious, then I don’t know what is. In my mind, Ashima Shiraishi made the first female ascent of Martini Right, and if anyone has a problem with me saying that, feel free to write me a letter, and I will compile your responses for a new Rock and Ice department I am starting called, “Climbers with fragile egos who need to take away the achievements of little girls in order to make themselves feel better about their own sub-par climbing accomplishments.” (I agree the department title is a tad wordy … I’ll keep working on it.)

Bring back climbing porn: First, there was only your basic climbing porn. Ron Kauk in vacuum-tight jeans climbing rock and communing with nature like Patrick Swayze in Road House; Kurt Smith cutting his feet in Rifle, but still not “outta there”; Rampage. Etc. Then, people decided that just seeing raw climbing footage was boring, and they wanted their climbing porn to have more of a story line to it in order to hold interest through the monotony of movement over stone. I agree this was a step in the right direction, and ultimately a good thing. But now it seems that everyone is so focused on telling stories and doing all these fancy, show-offy camera tricks that the rad climbing footage has taken something of a back seat.

Who here is tired of seeing super-slow-motion soulfulness? Time lapses? Forget about it! I never need to see another time lapse again in my life! I love seeing stories told on the big screen … but sometimes I just want to see some good ole fashioned sport F—ing. The raddest/hottest girls and guys climbing the hardest routes out there. I don’t need to know their names; I don’t care that they’re from Boulder and are professional climbers who are balancing work and play. I don’t care about the history of the route, and who put it up, and why they are drawn to it. I just want to see someone climb something that looks really hard and really cool and do it without talking to me.

Benjaminleaton

You mean I paid $500 for a plastic zipper? The same zipper that is ony son’s walmart book bag?
JJS

Magnetic ski bindings won’t sound like a joke in about two years.

Stuff sacks should shrink and expand with temperature changes, duh.

V12 whatever… Let’s see that little girl drink a real Martini.

I propose Corn Magazine to showcase the most pervertical cornography allowed: No ethics, no discretion, no questions asked.
accc

Unfortunately, giving Ashima full credit is never going to happen. Forgetting the fact that Ben Moon and probably many others dabbed on that exact same tree, which is what the “climbing community” (read: insecure guys that will almost certainly never come close to Ashima’s level) conveniently did. Even with her groundbreaking send of Crown of Aragorn, comments are already being made about how it’s not really V13 for her since she’s so light and has small fingers, and that she’ll be weaker as she grows, and blah, blah, blah…
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=534589160 Taylor Reed

It’s hard to criticize effectively someone who generalizes using pejoratives, but I’ll go ahead and take a stab at it. Dabbing is effectively a non-binding rule by a community that desires ethics in their sport. We have a grading system, we get kudos for telling people we sent something, therefore there is and should be some effective legitimizing rules behind our sport. You’re effectuating this point by calling for the send to be legitimate itself. You and everyone in climbing have these rules whether you believe you do or not, so the subject of your comment is likely less those who criticize Ashima, and more likely Ashima herself: I assume you’re not willing to tell a little girl that her climb is ‘illegitimate’ (if you believe it is) because she is a … little girl. Based on this train of thought, perhaps it should have been up to Obe (her coach) to say something. In my opinion neither is true. In my opinion, what Obe should have done, and maybe did do, is explain what may become controversial, and let the young climber make the call… and also take on the consequences… of claiming the send.

I was up at Tramway (Palm Springs) a few years ago with two brothers (twins) I was teaching. One of them kicked up some dirt (and possibly weighted? – I don’t know) on the last move of a v10 traverse, then stepped off. He had done about a dozen v10s that season so far. He said he was going to count it as being a send. I asked him whether, in his opinion, he had dabbed and whether it was enough to have actually helped him complete the climb. He said he didn’t think it did. I told him that it was his choice whether or not to call it done, but he should be true to his own inner sense of ethics. I also told him that he would have to take the heat if anyone ever questioned him, and that if he felt questioning would torture him, he should re-climb, but it if it didn’t — then feel good about the send and move on. He’s a good kid, just as I’m sure Ashima is… but that doesn’t mean you should sugarcoat the effects of your actions.

I didn’t see the dab, but I’ve never felt that climbing something using alternative sequencing and holds is illegitimate (Action Direct anyone?), and while I do believe being short, tiny and young give you some certain benefits, that’s body dynamics for you, which we all are guilty of. I for one am excited to see what more Ashima is capable of.… if it’s a rash of dabs — we can (and should) return to this debate then.